By BAN | March 29, 2021
I only wished for you to achieve your dreams.
You kept on asking me that I didn’t need to do these favors, that I didn’t need to stay up all night with you so that you could study well, that I didn’t need to travel a hundred kilometers just to hand you over a book. But I can’t help it, I just really wanted you to achieve your dreams.
I can still remember those nights where you had to memorize those long medical terms that I don’t even understand. It seemed like you were memorizing things that came from an ancient German language, but you love your dreams so much that you memorized all of those terms. You also can’t seem to stand to look at blood, but then you were so very good in your practical exams. It’s like you can hit the perfect vein with a perfect angle in a perfect shot. As early as in those days, I knew, I knew that you will be able to achieve your dreams.
That’s why I loved you. You were so strong even if the times were so hard. I couldn’t even picture myself out surviving out of those situations, but you were so good at it that you handled all of those like a boss. When times got so rough, you just handed all of those situations with your very charming and heart-warming smile and went through it as if it was nothing. How I wished I could do the same.
I can’t even stand listening to 3-hour classes, but you handled 16-hour shifts like it was just a basic talk show; talked and smiled as if you were showing the whole wide world that everything is alright even if your world is falling down. I even failed my exams that come after my long 3-hour classes, but you ace your moving exams after your long 16-hour shifts. How could you still pull off something like that? I really envy you for being that good. I mean, if I were to be with someone good, like really good, that someone should be you!
But that wasn’t just a huge ‘if’, I am with someone like you, I am with you—more like ‘was with you’. I thank you for accepting someone like me. Even though I was so bad at the things that I do, you kept on telling me I was good at it. You never run out of words to encourage me and lift me up during my sad situations. You never fail to fill my appetite with the right food that I need to indulge. You never fail to accompany me when I needed someone to pull me out of my dark situations. How I wish you were always there, always here, for me.
But you are not, not anymore.
Life needs to happen, and life’s more than just fun and games. It’s not just unicorns and rainbows trying to fill in all the selfish gaps that we both are looking at. Time is still too young to decide on what happens in the future. And as devastating as it may sound, that future is a future without you.
I didn’t understand at first why you left. I thought I was doing good, doing fine, filling all the gaps, being the unicorn and the rainbow, being enough. Those half-a-thousand days we’ve spent together wasn’t just a small bubble I could pop to forget. It seemed like a great number to brag, so great that you could even believe someone with those numbers will never be replaced—but I was replaced.
Even so, I still believe that you will be able to achieve your dreams. You will be the best doctor, who will save lives, help families and shape their future. My wish however, will never change, I will still wish for you to achieve your dreams, even if those dreams are meant to be shared with someone else, not me.